I am APRIL MAY
The Secret voices of Dating and its lost key
Dating is wonderful, so nice and great — well wake up ladies and gentlemen because its all toxic and shit and a waste of time and here is why…
Dating today is like a game we play, yet the players never tend to stay and just go away.
We have this picture in our head in which we want to find someone just like in our dreams and visions and if we date more than just one person which is the normal thing to do in this generational Dating world of today — We literally rank them in our head.
Mainly we rank them of their looks first and then their characters.
If you can have a Brat Pitt likeable person why should you go with an ordinary person?
We only choose 10s or maybe 9s and anything below we are not interested in and guys just take what they like between 8 and 10 and be like — “Dang you fine, I take you”. Those are the 10 and 9 guys we always choose by choice.
“You are not some number on some Ranking list, you are you”
Unfortunately in the dating world we are just a number of many and I am so sick of that but the thing is, we like putting ourselves in those situations.
I think all this nonsense of Ranking someone — between being a 1 up to a solid 10 in being men or women or on yourself is utter Bullshit. Yet this is the generation we have grown into and dating now has just become a game of choosing the highest numbers to get a strike and win the game.
If someone would ask me….
Do You want to have a boyfriend ?
I would – say no I don’t — bc having a boyfriend isn’t something that you should want, just to have one, its something you hope to find one day and then being with that person forever.
I am learning how to be by myself and want to be by myself to find my own happiness and not have someone that makes me “happy” just to fill my empty void of love.
Probably 80% of relationships are utter Bullshit and end in heartbreak because one of them or sometimes even both of them have not learned to value their self love and how to stand alone and be happy, so they employed someone else to do it.
Prove me wrong…
We just have fling girlfriends to boyfriends or Girl and boyfriends on a Timelapse instead of actually wanting to be alone and work on our shit. We think that these particular friends have the ability to change everything for us and we expect that from them in a way. Then we realise that they were just a distraction to our problems and loneliness and when they are gone , well we seek for a new handsome distraction once again — That is the answer to failed relationships.
Its never about the deep talk and the genuine character of a person anymore — its only about the pictures or the person you see and like and then you want that person until you come across a next picture or a new face that you like and then…well, you meet with that person instead or at the same time. You either have multiple date guys/gals or you cut your row of your date people, as they have not made it in the top 2 of your stupid list, which is constantly changing with different names. So hard to keep track with all these names. My goodness me.!!!
Then of course there is this thing about women and men and their sexual partners.
if a woman as multiple sexual partners — she is classified as a “slut” but if a man as multiple sexual partners he is just a player — just an ordinary player — nothing wrong with that as it is expected in guys but in a woman — she should not do this and that and behave differently.
We are not to be told what to do, we arent sluts — because if we were — well then there is definitely a MANSLUT too.
Nowadays it’s all about who gets the best fling and hooks up with the highest number — instead of generally being interested in one person and see where it takes you.
A boyfriend and girlfriend should be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone that becomes your husband or wife.
Enjoying the real little moments and with that I mean actually having a conversation and seeing each other, getting to know each other — going for a bloody meal is so often forgotten or doesn't even exist anymore as such, as all these moments are filled with meaningless sex, flings and quick hook ups and once that gets old you be like “okay next” — thats not a boyfriend or a girlfriend not even a FWB (friends with Benefits) that never works out anyways and is a total doom— its a Fling on a Time-lapse hook up thing and often that gets mistaken as being or having a girlfriend or boyfriend and end up in the 80% of failed relationships.
When we have this “boyfriend\girlfriend thing going — we get angry at what they did or didn’t do and get furious if they do not do what we wanted them to do, as they do not meet the standards, we have made out in our heads.
Not a Brad Pitt after all, I guess, well — Brad Pitt has cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie, so maybe he’s not so great after all. “Sorry Brad”. Good looks are not everything, after all and the 9 and 10 are just not the ones we hope them to be.
Nevertheless, we kinda get to like this person and envision some sort of relationship, which is a “situation-ship” with them until we develop something like real feelings and then, well there are 3 options we can take our next steps on:
- We either don’t tell them how we feel and leave things at how they are and get hurt.
- We try to talk to them but they don’t want to listen, regardless of how much affection and attention we try to give them and guess what — we get hurt.
- Or we choose both options at the same time and get totally confused and mess up, complicating everything and getting even more hurt.
I know, it’s great.
All these options suck and you stay in this Situation-ship until it ends and then you have none and you feel alone and start all over again using your silent voices.
Then we ask ourselves in all those silent moments, when we are feeling so alone, what is the point of falling in love or the first place meeting someone, when it won’t last anyways or won’t go past this weird Situation — ship.
Yet we all want this one person that changes everything.
We don’t take a chance on love anymore and just meet people online, text them for a while, and go on dates, that turn out to be either good or bad but always end the same, leading to nowhere or to a meaningless sex thing.
You kiss the person you dating and then you think “omg you are the one”, after that, because things ain’t already gotten complicated enough, you have sex, which blows the roof off — of Complication chaos, as then you develop ”real” feelings, but it was supposed to be “no string attached and no feelings sex”, but you don’t talk about it and brake up this situation ship and go on to the next and the same thing happens again and again and again -
Dating today is like a never-ending vicious circle, you don’t want to get out of, even tho you know it is not taking you anywhere.
We get a million red flags, but we ignore them and stay with them, as we do not see those red flags, as they are gorgeous and charming and then we think they will change or we just see the good in them still and hold on to that — onto something that isn’t there, that doesn’t exist. We do not see that because they are to charming and it is as if we are like under their toxic little spell.
Thats called the Illusional love.
The man or woman we make out in our head in the person we date that treats as if we are nothing and then we trying to find something in that “Nothing”.
When we go get involved with a dateable person or people, you either don’t let it happen or if you do, you convince yourself “he’s different” and only want him or her and no one else — you done with all the dating — but then to your non shock surprise you get ghosted or brushed away or treated like shit and as a result of that, you are too scared to commit to any other person, even if they do try anything to get you at a slight blink of a chance and you choose to just have these romances or situation ships or even worse just sex which is then a “nothing ship” and tell yourself:
“I don’t have the feels for this person” until it all falls apart and then you are broken and need therapy, yaaaay.
It ends and you cry for a bit that feels like forever and try move on to the next as the previous “whatever Ship” did not work out. You feel like you, can’t be alone and feel empty inside and you try to fill that empty void with any person you can get and if they don’t fit with you, you swipe left and right again, seeking someone else for these “ I do anything not to be alone relationships” because we are tired of waiting for this “Imaginary Mr Right” that doesn’t exist.
We want all of those real endless love relationships to make us feel safe and great. We think that a relationship like this can make us happy and free us from what we’re going through. We believe that these love relationships are the light of our darkness, and that’s why relationships fail — having that expectation of a person, just to not be that person yourself, is the essence of a failed relationships and knowing that — is the reason why — we are also afraid to get into a real love relationship again and instead to talk about it and try to work it out — we use our “Notfallköfferchen” (emergency suitcase) and run far far away.
43% of relationships end due to lack of Communication
Notfallköfferchen
Is a suitcase you pack with all your favourite clothes and things and wonder off to god knows where -
The essence of being gone is more comforting them being trapped in a relationship.
The truth is to have a healthy relationship with anyone is, to have a healthy relationship with yourself first because maybe then you can throw your “Notfallköfferchen” away for the right person you can trust.
We need to learn to respect ourselves, see our value and our love and invest that in ourselves — to then gift that affectionate love to anyone else, we might really fall in love with one day and learn to trust again.
That stupid crazy love does exist, at least somewhere and somewhen.
Until that happens we will have these weird connections with people and it will always be a situation ship or a “nothing ship” or “whatever ship”.
We get so used to them that we might lose someone right for us, that was always in front of us from the moment we met them, but did not see it at the time, as we are too scared to let them in because we forgot how to let ourselves love into a heartfelt relationship and trust again, guess what our “Notfallköfferchen” comes into use again.
We maybe find a walking green flag but then we are the ones becoming a red flag, as we are to scared to commit to anything meaningful, as we lost the trust and keep running…
The connection we built with someone is not always the connection we think we might have found.
A Connection built between two people can always break, as these voices of Silence outcast everything. We don’t know what we are going through or what the other feels or what is happening.
Maybe both aren’t ready to commit or one of them is not and they are too scared to let all those confusing feelings in, so instead of talking they silently push each other away and for one it’s more painful for the other, yet both of them are not letting feelings in, no matter what those feelings might be.
We just let go and we lose the other.
We feel lost especially if we are alone, but at least we are all together in that too.
We never feel alone in our heads, as that one Situation-ship, continues to live in our heads like a second life, taking place in our brain, after it had fallen apart and you rather live there, then in reality, as you haven’t lost that illusional person in your vision of dreams.
He’s in your head and lives in there and drives you insane, as all you can think about is him this stupid arsehole…It is like he is screwed into your head and part of your brain carved inside of the core of your memories.
You want to forget, but you can’t and you cannot even remove him.
You would have always chosen him, despite of all the red flags
“That is when he is more than a memory.”
Every time your phone vibrated you hoped it was him.
When ever you looked at your phone you hoped you had gotten some kind of life sign of him.
Every time you go out you hope to cross paths with him.
Its ridiculous how fast you can “illusionally” fall in love with someone in a short time and how hard it is to fall out of this illusional love that feels like forever.
This is all not a real Love — you hold on something, as you think you have found the love you are seeking for, but then it always turns out to not be that — as love cannot be found — love finds you. I know cringe as fuck.
To get away from your little stupid lover in your head, you try to distract yourself from him with all the other guys, by texting them or going on dates with them, if it even gets that far but in most cases, it does not, as they don’t even text you bloody back or you just don’t feel attracted to them at all and just want have the “friend thing” with them.
Dating is an in-between thing of trying to find someone to love and finding a friend you can just talk to and either it turns out to be the friend or it’s the love thing —
or
“The illusional love friend” which is both in one — and ends up in these situation ships or nothing ships in which the feelings aren’t meant to be real so then you bounce between the friend thing and the love thing and end up in a “whatever ship” until you then lose yourself on no ship at all and you alone again.
Congratulations, you feel even worse and you go back thinking about the love that is stuck in your head and are sad about the other guys too and realise that all men suck or just don’t find the right one.
I call them the fucking Carls who blows you off after you have had a situation ship with them or “nothing ship”. The other guys I call the Ghosters that ghost you and then there is just “the friend guy”
All of these stupid guys are a constant thought in your head until they not but one always stays — the lover — the Fucking carl, you get so tired of thinking about, thinking about him that you get lost in those excruciating thoughts and you end up dancing with this stupid arse face to the melody of your thoughts that turns into a toxic cacophony you can’t escape from.
In all those moments of swinging on the dance floor you envision how you meet again and work things out.
You think you get the apology you deserve.
You think that he sees what he has done wrong.
You think that he puts all the effort into you now to — win you back.
You think that he proves to you that he actually loved you too all that time and that he is so sorry for the way he has treated you and that he will change for you — the sunshine of his fucking life, that doesn’t make any sense without you, even tho he has not texted you or reached out to you in fucking months, but yes, of course, he actually cares about you, he is just too scared to admit it. Sure thing. That will definitely happen.
No answer is just the answer you waited for, for so damn long — you had it all the while you where desperately waiting — it was just not the answer you had hoped to get.
You do not need that final conversation to yell at him or that one last time closure moment
The disrespect was the closure.
The tears on your face not making you sleep at night was the closure.
The way he treated you was the closure.
His silence was the closure.
His absence is the closure.
CHARACTERS OF DATING
Fucking Carls — The Objectors — Manslut
They just see you as an object or as a Sex girlfriend on a time-lapse.
They act like they care and are the person you want them to be at the beginning
They show you affection until it fades away.
They give you attention until it fades away.
They make you feel loved until it fades away.
They care about you until it fades away.
It is all an act until they are caught in the act and drop you as if you are nothing.
The Ghoster’s
They ghost you or block you for no reason or don’t have the balls to tell you “they’re not interested” or they got what they wanted like “nudes” or Sexy Pictures” and then blow you off.
Maybe they are the real silencers after all.
The NO texting back guys
Takes forever to text back — They are not interested — just saying.
The Charmers
They lure you in with their stupid Charm and the little Touch of Affection they have on you and you fall for it. The Charmers care for you until it fades away and then they turn out to be a Fucking carl.
The Mystery guy/girl or empire state building guy in my case
The one we envision in our heads every day
Then there are
The Silencer’s
Those are the ones who try to tell something to the other person but they wait, as it is not the right moment or because they are too scared or think the other person will sense it that they want to say something and magically know what’s up — like some kind of mind swap but the fucking Carls won’t listen to care to hear you out and don’t even have you on their mind — to “mind swap”.
The Freak outers
Those are the ones that try to travel through the mind of others trying to figure out what they thinking and then prognosticate their actions and if they fail our prophecy we get upset and we freak out — mind swap is not a thing — just to let you know.
The Connecters
Are those who get attached way too quickly and fall in love too quickly with the Charmers. I also call them part of the “Mind melters”. They have this pure heart where they care too much about people and keep them in their heart even tho after a while they realise and know that they are not good for them, yet they keep trying to win them over in their mind and try to connect with them in their naive minds instead removing them from their aching hearts.
The Mind melters
Are all Charakters in one melting into one mind.
She is April May
In a way, all of the above are the Secret voices of dating
They are all too scared to build a meaningful connection or are too scared to talk about it. Or they just do not want to.
They don’t want a connection for whatever reason and they just all stay silent and make things either way to complicated or hurt each other in the most horrible way — in worse cases you find your self in both situations — The hurtful complicated pain.
Then the glorios characters of all are the:
I don’t give a fuckers -they just do not give a fuck anymore about dating or any new bin. Its like dating one bin after the other — and they are done with the bin dating.
I am at that stage.
Aren’t they beautiful, just look at them. I know right — I did great.
Oh, dang, if any of these are you — Yay we are in the same boat.
It is like we are in this storm in the middle of the wild ocean on a tiny boat and we cannot bear the shrieking sounds anymore and we scream shaking along with the waves almost killing us, it’s like the ocean can never calm down and we are just caught in the storm with the waves beating us and we stay up float with our stupid boat in the middle of the ocean of our emotion.
We keep rocking that stupid boat to try to fall into the ocean as under the ocean:
The waters are calm — The Darkness is quiet — Your soul is at peace — Your heart is free of pain
But we don’t go there — NOO we like being angry at the Fucking Carls and we then get angry at the guy who we are talking to, as they don’t text us back, since we have more than just “one” guy or gal.
because you know “if you have one you don’t have anyone, if you have two you have one.”
These particular “date” types who don’t text back for over 12 fuck knows hours, you think “Yes he is different” — well he is not. This “No texting back guy” has no interest in you — because if he would, he would text you bloody back. Would he not now ? He would.!
We have visions of him on how he can maybe be the one instead and make us forget all about the Fucking Carl but the thing is — Every guy is “THE FUCKING CARL” sooner or later — because these visions in your heads is not equals the guys you meet.
YAAY ‘ Single forever.
I happened to have had this “Fucking Carl” his name was Lars and I was April and May when I was with him — as those where the months we have had “this situation nothing whatever ship” He probably fucked some other June July, August and Sep or even better he had more Aprils and Mays all along, all lined up next to me. I don’t know that though, this is all a hunch in my head, as I am so angry that he has left me with not saying anything or letting me get to him to take a chance on him to talk to him to work things out. Why I wanted that in the first place — Well I don’t know — I am a April May, maybe that’s why..
Well anyhow — he wouldn’t even take the time for me to hear me. He does not care at all. He just wanted Sex, Not even talk to me, Use me and drive me home when we where done.
If my absence did not bother him my Presence did not mean anything to him. I was just a number like all the months have Numbers, until the month dies and a new one is born and with each month that passes he loses interest and like the days get older in a month you get older and fade away and die and a new girl is born for the next month, as you get boring and old and the Fucking carl is ghosting you, pushes you away as he is done with you and cuts you off, whilst he is looking for a new “April May” in June August and all the months that age and pass on and is having these stupid situation ships and so do you to get over him and to fill your empty dark void.
Long live April May.
How to brake the bad boyfriend cycle and stop ending up with these wonderful Jerks …
Well if you find out please let me know … Thanks.
But what I will say is :
When you learn to love yourself your taste and desire in people will change.
The different ships of Dating
Situation ship
Sex with no strings attached and we don’t talk about feelings
Nothing ship
Sex with no feelings — What are feelings?
Whatever ship
Sex with no feelings and no strings attached sex — We have feelings but we don’t know what they mean.
Do anything not to be alone ship
Finding someone just to not be alone
Toxic ship
So many red flags but you ignore them, as you think you deserve that kind of love and don’t want to be alone.
The friendship
You just want to be friends — no sexual or affectionate loveable attraction
Wholesome Relationship — Love ship
The real one that makes you feel the real love of affection.
The thing is being on a ship alone trying to paddle it by yourself is better to try to paddle it with someone on some other ship and doing all the effort alone or fighting for someone in the madness of that ocean’s storm.
Take those stupid paddles and paddle alone and learn how to be by yourself and row through the journey ahead of you by yourself, as you then cannot be disappointed and find your strength by yourself and with that your courage and your love.
The unacquainted love you looking for is the tiny person inside your soul that is waiting to be loved by you instead of you trying to fill that void with an illusional love with those illusional “Empire State building guys”
From a woman’s perspective.
We ain’t need a man or a woman of love to make us happy. Dating is complicated enough as it is, we are focusing on ourselves first to work off all the heavy stones that way down our hearts.
A heavy heart cannot love. A healed one can even if it’s hard.
We are not available for things and especially people that make us feel like shit.
We are not lonely nights girls
We are not One night stand girls
We are not girl toys
We are not side kick girls
We are not rebound girls
We don’t hurt or hate them because “hurt” and “hate” are feelings and we feel nothing for them.
#staytoxic
All we ever have had with them was a Nothing ship.
From a male perspective / Still coming…
Everyone has a destiny even if it’s hard to believe. Destiny is not a person, it is not a place, it is not even home — it is you and if you believe in yourself and find that love you seeking in yourself giving that little love to your little tiny friend in your soul — you will also find that true, wholesome, beautiful love you looking for with someone else for real and that love will be good for you and worth waiting for. All the bad guys will be worth it as they lead you to the love of you and the love of your life.
Until then, both of those loves will stay unacquainted until you have found it.
Make a list about your “Empire State building guy/gal” of what you want him or her to be and then be that person yourself and reunite yourself with your soul and bring out the best of you — the part you never yet seen — get to know her or him and wipe your soul clean, only then you will find somebody that will be the love you seek that you envision every day and that is the key to someone else’s heart — if you find your own damn key first and unlock your own little love only the second key will match the other heart you trying to find.
You can’t unlock someone else’s lock with your key as it won’t match, trust me I damn tried it does not work. Once you opened your heart to yourself you can try find the other stupid key and try find the lock in someone else’s heart. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
You might have to try a few keys before you find the right lock.
Let Love In, Let love feel you, Let love be you.
All my love to you
April May
